yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
