It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
