But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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