ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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