I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
