I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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