You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
