I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i came on her dog
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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