The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
