My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
