I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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