I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
