Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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