how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i would one night stand the shit outta him
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
