i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I cannot find my penis.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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