Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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