i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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