So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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