3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I am spending my child support on dildos
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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