Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
