I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
