I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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