Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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