you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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