My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
