He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
