Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
