I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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