If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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