I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
