My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You pole danced in your parka.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
