he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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