I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i will never coherently bang her
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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