A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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