I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
