Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
