You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
