I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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