Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
