fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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