we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
