Don't make out with my wife yet
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
