I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
