On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
