So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
