No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
