Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
