I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
