I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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