My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
