That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
