I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
